Freedom fighter.


Freedom fighter.

I’ve got a sponge. And I’m not afraid to use it. See, I’m a proud member of the middle hand-washing class: a group of humble, yet industrious individuals who take pride in their limited means and hand-wash their dirty dishes in tiny kitchen sinks with leaky faucets and faulty drains. [inexplicably switches to Southern accent] Yup, we hand-washers don’t take kindly to highfalutin politicians tellin’ us how many dishes we can or can’t hand-wash. If I wanna’ hand-wash my own dishes, I’ll do it whenever I darn well please, without government interference of any kind! And as far as we middle hand-washers (a.k.a. Tea-Cup-Washer Partiers) are concerned, all those fancy-pants upper machine-washin’ class folks can stick their gels and detergents where the sun don’t shine! These pin heads blow about as much hot air as their $800 stainless steel dishwashers with five-stage filtration systems and maximum capacity nylon rackin’. If I hear one more of these Cascade-lovin’ charlatans tell me my daily hand-washin’ is a waste of water, and that I should be taxed for not owning one of them space-age energy efficient dish washers, I’m gonna’ march on up to their Yankee deluxe condo-mine-ums on Park Avenue and whoop some Bosch butt! And don’t even git’ me started on the charity cases. You know, the lower soaker class? There’s some things me and the super-concentrated detergent users can agree on, namely lower taxes on our water bills. But the bottom-scrapin’ dish soakers of the world…they’re just about the worst kind of dish washers! Sure, they say they need help cleanin’ their own dishes, but just take one look in their sinks: dozens of dishes, filled with soap and water, just sittin’ there! It’s enough to make a hand-washer sick to his or her stomach. Shoot, what would the Foundin’ Washers say if they was alive today? Oh, that’s right, I know exactly what they’d say! It’s in the gosh-darn Constitution of the United Dishwashers of ‘Murica!

8 thoughts on “Washmen


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