The Trick Is To Keep Brushing

Not amused.

I’m brushing up. No, I’m not reading Shakespeare (if I wanted to revisit high school I’d throw on my fleece jacket and do a bunch of calculus until the migraine set in), I’m actually brushing my teeth, which happens to be among my Top 5 Least Favorite Activities. What are the other four? Not Sleeping, Being Hot, Running to Catch the Train, and Spiders. If you think that last one is not an activity, you are wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Why don’t I like brushing my teeth? Maybe it’s an ingrained sense of childhood revulsion, maybe it’s the calculus migraines-it’s hard to say. All I know is until Big Toothbrush invests some capital in R&D to invent a new mouth-cleaning device that doesn’t require me to use the same tool people use to clean toilets when they are being punished, I’m officially brushing under protest. Of course, I would go on a brushing strike, but that would probably make Exhaling In The Elevator nigh impossible. Surely there has to be some young, enterprising engineer beginning their first year of Toothbrush Studies at Harvard University who dreams of one day being the Mark Zuckerberg of toothbrush design. They will create a product called Facetooth, which is a special mask you wear on your head that cleans your teeth and gums using tiny brushing nano-machines. It will retail for five thousand dollars and change the way the world looks at dental care forever. There will, of course, be a more affordable model called Facetooth Lite, which is just a regular toothbrush with a flexible grip. But that’s super lame. Cool people don’t use Facetooth Lite.

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