Time's up.

I’m updating my resume. Not because I need a job (my current employer still hasn’t found out about the secret mediocrity I hide in my brain), but because I recently read an article that claims the average recruiter spends approximately six seconds reading a resume. Sounds pretty demanding, huh? “You guys go to lunch without me. I’ve got ten resumes to get through! [sixty seconds later] Done!” That’s why I’ve been inspired to spearhead a new trend in resume building: slideshow resumes. The simple fact of the matter is that nobody has the time these days to spend eight seconds on a resume, let alone nine! Sure, you could probably get some poor sap to spend an extra second, for a total of seven seconds, on a really well written resume, but that’s only if they arrived to work early and in a good mood. With such a low margin for error, I see no choice but to update my resume into a five second slideshow containing images only. With each slide lasting one second, the viewer will have just enough to time to see the following images, in order: 1) A pile of money; 2) Me, holding a briefcase; 3) A squirrel that thinks it’s a kitten; 4) Another pile of money; 5) An artist’s rendering of The Internet. Of course, this is purely experimental. I would never send this out into the ether if I were actually on the job hunt. But for now, I’m going to send it to a few random recruiters. Just to keep ‘em honest.