Death wish.

Lend me your ears. No, seriously. I want your ears, because mine stink. Not only do I have a hard time hearing soft noises, like trucks backing up or exploding, but I also get ear infections on a semi-regular basis. I’m not quite sure of the cause, but I suspect it may have something to do with certain genres of music. For instance, I could listen to James Taylor being pumped through the speakers of a prison camp all day, every day, and not have a single auditory issue. But if I hear any song by Bruno Mars, even for a second, both of my ears will suddenly be infected. Go figure. Sometimes I just wish I could trade in my sensitive, infection prone ears for a shiny new pair. Hey, is there a Netflix for body parts? [sound of feet clambering towards the nearest patent office] Of course, being an expert on every ear ailment under the sun, I’m all too familiar with that unholiest of unholy hygiene products: the cotton swab. If I had a nickel for every time a doctor told me that there is nothing worse for your ears than the common household cotton swab, I would have three, possibly four nickels! After all, tamping your earwax into your ear canal with a cotton swab is like tamping a cannon. With earwax. And what do we know about cannons that get tamped with earwax?? That’s right, class! They aren’t very good cannons! So, do yourself a favor: if you have sensitive ears like mine, don’t use cotton swabs. They can be very harmful to your hearing. Kind of like Bruno Mars.