Pain magnet.

It’s game time. Or at least I assume it is. I mean, at any given moment in time, there is a football game being played somewhere, right? By people? Big, crazy people? Before I continue, allow me to clarify something for my confused friends across the pond: “football” is a game people play to control their thyroids. “Soccer” is a game people play to stay in shape for Fashion Week. It makes sense, too, cause you use your foot‘s to run after the ball-carrier in football. And you wear socks with certain kinds of shoes, called cleats, in soccer. See the difference? On a related note, I refuse to refer to the game of football as “American football.” That’s like saying “ATM Machine.” It’s redundant, because all football is American. Except Canadian football, which was invented by the French to piss us off. Anyway, since the rising number of football games in this country seems to be directly proportionate to the unemployment rate, I’ve made a very important decision: I am going to quit my fictional job and become a football player! All anyone in the USA talks about anymore is football, football, Kim Kardashian, so why not try to harness that obsession and do it for a living? How hard can it be? Sure, I’d have to learn a few plays, build about seventy pounds of muscle, and have my legs surgically extended, but it would all be worth it! I’d have a great job, make millions of dollars, and – here’s the most important part – be on TV! I guess one downside would be the early on-set cognitive degeneration resulting from massive, repeated blows to the head, but…dude…come on…TV!