False alarm.

I am lazy; hear me snore. My first order of business on this beautiful day is to invent time travel, build a time machine, and travel back in time to find the jerk who conjured up the Snooze Button and convince him to pursue a different line of work. That is, if I can manage to peel myself out of bed. So far, this morning, I have hit the Snooze Button on my alarm clock seven times, which means my alarm has been going off for more than an hour now. The funny thing is, Wife hasn’t so much as stirred throughout all the commotion – she’s the kind of sleeper who could take a nap in the engine room of the Titanic…while it is sinking. Meanwhile, I’m being jarred awake by my alarm, convincing myself I deserve nine more minutes of shut-eye, falling asleep and forgetting I ever woke up in the first place, and then being startled awake to repeat the process. It’s like I’m living in my own personal animated .GIF that lasts nine minutes and then loops back to the beginning. Why can’t I just wake up with the sound of the first alarm like every other normal person in a romantic comedy? These sassy young magazine editors and/or junior executives on the rise spring out of bed like jack-in-the-boxes as their nondescript digital alarms start blaring at six in the morning. They never even flirt with the thought of hitting the Snooze Button. They also always seem to live in areas of the world in which their bedrooms and bathrooms are flooded with afternoon sunlight at the crack of dawn. Meanwhile, us real people are waking up with freezing feet in the pitch dark. Jeez, I’m starting to sound like a real Scrooge. Or should I say…Snooze? I’ll stop now.