Stand back.

Shall we dance? Before we do, there’s something you should know about me. I’m – how you say – a terriblé dancer. I don’t know how it is that I am so rhythmically challenged, especially considering the fact that Wife is a gosh darn professional dancer For Crying Out Loud, but the fact remains that I was born with two left feet. To clarify, both left feet are where my hands should be. That’s why I’m often seen roaming the house with shoes on my hands on nights and weekends. It could also be that I’m a teeny bit crazy, but now we’re splitting hairs. Some of my favorite dance moves include: The Finger Pointer, The Air Humper, The Finger Wagger, The Side Stepper, The Finger Humper, and last but not least, The Stand Still. Actually, it has taken me years to perfect that last move. It requires a special blend of total bodily stillness and a detached boredom that can only be achieved by draining all life from your eyes and keeping your mouth open like a sea bass. It also helps to slouch and stare listlessly at your beverage while the rest of the party guests dance the night away. Come to think of it, I would make an excellent middle school dance chaperone. I could just stand in the middle of the dance floor without moving a muscle and yell at teenagers to stop behaving inappropriately, or whatever. Or I could just learn to dance. But then again that would involve some effort on my part. Nevermind.