True story.

I’m fat. It’s not that I weigh a lot, or go shopping in a scooter, it’s that I am American, and all Americans are fat, right? Wrong! Our great nation of industrialized enterprisers, free-speech provocateurs, and fifteen-year-old rappers with Twitter accounts has been misrepresented by the domestic and foreign medias as a nation of fatties. I cry foul, sir! I also cry fowl, because I love ducks (seriously, who doesn’t love a good Mallard?). And to prove that our country has been improperly labeled as a confederation of obese land manatees, I am going to the one place Americans young and old, black and white, blonde and smart (I’m a blonde so I get immunity for that joke) can come together as one, have a good time, and enjoy the fruits of another successful harvest: The County Fair. Yep, here we are, just look at all these happy people! Wow! Look at that cornucopia of fresh, organic vegetables! See? We value health and nutrition so much that we give people ribbons for growing the best veg- WHAT IS THAT SMELL?! OMG FRIED DOUGH?? I HAVEN’T HAD FRIED DOUGH IN YEARS!! LET’S GET SOME!! OH, LOOK: THE POWDERED SUGAR SHAKER IS COVERED IN BEES!! I DON’T CARE I’M STILL GOING TO USE IT!! And that, my friends, is the true story of how a brave young man rose above the unfair perception that his society was comprised entirely of fat people by shaking a giant bottle of powdered sugar that was literally covered in bees over a piece of dough fried in lard that he consumed in approximately fifteen seconds. Goodnight, sweet prince.