No liquorice.

Chew on this. Wow. You just popped that in your mouth and started chewing away, huh? You didn’t even check to see what it was, first! Do you normally put foreign objects – from strangers – in your mouth without hesitation? You do? How has that been working out for you? I bet you’ve accidentally eaten a lot of liquorice, haven’t you? People, especially Loose Cannon Uncles, are always handing out liquorice and saying, “Try it, you’re gonna love it!” But of course you do not love it, and on the contrary you most definitely hate it, because liquorice is Devil’s Candy. Actually, that makes it sound more delicious than it should (kind of like Devil’s Food Cake). How about “Sewer Chews” or “Rat Poison?” Yes, I think “Rat Poison” is a suitable nickname for liquorice. And ye, verily, it shall be known as such throughout the land from henceforthwith onward unto the morrow. Luckily, the object I asked you to chew on was not liquorice. It was gum. In fact, I’ve made a habit of just handing people gum without asking if they want any, because (and I can verify this with science) the answer has NEVER been “No.” That’s probably because people love to chew. Chewing possesses all the qualities of eating without the messy cleanup and subsequent drawn out twenty-four hour digestion fuss. Of course, if you’re one of these people who frequently swallows their gum, the digestion process is even more drawn out. Either that or Timmy Oliver lied to me in the 4th grade and now I’m going to have to track him down and yell at him in a public setting. Preferably at a Best Buy. Because nobody likes getting yelled at in a Best Buy. You’re just there to buy some headphones.