Ideal candidate.

To whom it may concern. My name is Edgar Allan Poe, and I am writing to express my interest in the Associate Research Analyst Position at Fidelity Investments. While I don’t fully understand why I began this letter with such a ridiculous introduction, “To whom it may concern,” I do understand that it is far superior to the ghastly alternative, “Dear Sir or Madam.” Before I continue, perhaps I should alert you that I would be required to relocate for this position, as I am currently trapped in 1830′s Baltimore (you think it’s bad now). However, my job recruiter tells me I need to be open to following my career to different cities, so I’m willing to play ball. Just, please…get me out of Baltimore. There’s trash everywhere, and my wife has this really bad cough, and I think I’m starting to go crazy, because every time I see a black bird this little voice in my head squawks in verse and the only way I can get it to stop is with a liter of mash whiskey. Whoops, I think I divulged a lee-tle too much information there. Unfortunately, I’m writing this by hand, and ink and paper are expensive, so no backsies! Look, to be honest, I really don’t know how to write a cover letter. Best selling short stories and poems are a breeze compared to this! I mean, people say there are rules to writing an effective cover letter, but they’re full of it! In my opinion, the best method of introduction is still cutting off a lock of your interviewer’s hair while they sleep and then mailing it to them with a note that says, “I think this belongs to you.” I look forward to your swift response. Sincerely, EAP.