Good morning, sweet prince.

Are you a heavy sleeper?

Do you find ordinary alarm clocks to be ineffective and even insipid?

Would you like to begin each day by having a glass of water dumped on your head, thereby jolting you awake in a panicked frenzy of confusion and fear?

Hi, I’m Nailsbails. No, not the famous French Malacologist/Writer. You’re thinking of Snailtrails. Besides, she’s retired!

As I was saying, I’m Nailsbails, the non-famous non-French non-Malacologist/Blogger non-non-Illustrator/Writer. And I’m here to talk to you today about ALARM CATS®, the exciting new lifestyle product by BOTEACH (bo-tay-ahk) INDUSTRIES™ that is revolutionizing the way ordinary folks like you and I wake up.

Developed by the world renowned Boteach Industries™ janitorial staff, Alarm Cats® utillizes patented technology that combines hungry, pissed-off cats with glasses of drinking water to create the ultimate wake-up call!

Simply place the laser-machined Alarm Cats® drinking glass (cold water sold separately) on the headboard above your pillow, feed New Cat – the small one with the disproportionately humongous appetite – one can of food instead of two, and go to sleep. In just a few hours, New Cat will grow ravenous, head-butt her room’s door off its hinges, and jump onto your face, spilling frigid water all over your head, neck, and pillow.

Rise and shine, a-wipe!