Call me. After listening to phone lady, or, as I like to call her, Voicemail Satan, drone on for five minutes about how to leave a voicemail, this is pretty much all I can think of to say. What the heck did she mean by “Leave a Callback Number?” Isn’t that the whole point of a voicemail? Has anyone ever actually opted to leave a callback number? Bueller? Because, really, nothing says “Please call me back” like a digital recording of your telephone number. My favorite voicemail head-scratcher is the “Voicemail Not Set Up” nonsense. Not only should this not be possible (voicemail is, by default, automated), but Voicemail Satan actually mocks the person you are trying to contact. “I’m sorry, but the person you called is a dumb-dumb who couldn’t program a VCR clock, let alone something as rudimentary as voicemail. Maybe you should get some smarter friends. Goodbye.” Of course, if you do happen to be a MENSA genius and manage to get your voicemail up and running, Voicemail Satan casts a magical spell that makes your inbox shrink, and then calmly tells anyone who tries to call you that your “Inbox is Full.” Naughty Voicemail Satan! Bad! The beauty of all this chicanery is that after jumping through the nine circles of Voicemail Hell to let you know we are out of toothpaste, you will probably just call me back without ever listening to the message. Damn, you Voicemail Satan! Oh, wait, you’re already damned. Either way, I’m sick of your devilish ways.