Bottoms up.

Cheers! To friends, old and new, good health and fortune, and this crappy bottle of wine, which I procured for less than three dollars. [awkward silence, COUGH] That’s right, I buy my vino on the cheap, and I’m proud of it! I’m especially fond of Trader Joe’s signature vintner, Charles Shaw, the Aunt Jemima of terrible wines. Lovingly dubbed “Two-Buck Chuck,” Charles and I have shared some really good times over the years. I find his Pinot Noir pairs especially well with Cheddar Ruffles and French Onion Dip. Also, it makes a great Tequila chaser (this is a joke, DO NOT TRY THIS). But perhaps the best thing about un-fine wine is the subtle flavors that seem to dance on your palate as you leisurely sip it after dominating a particularly indulgent Domino’s Pizza order. I’m talking about the faint hints of twig, the playful notes of field mouse, and the seductive aroma of heartbreak, contributed by each and every migrant worker who made this criminally inexpensive product possible. Sure, cheap wine isn’t for everybody. It takes a special breed of miser to fully appreciate the art of un-fine wines, but, and I don’t want to sound like a snob here, not all people have the dulled senses necessary to be a true connoisseur. If you want to up your game, might I suggest building a makeshift un-fine wine cellar to help grow your collection of local, uninteresting, dirt cheap whites and reds. All you really need is a damp cardboard box and a heat-lamp (I find you can really make this stuff dazzle by exposing it to high-heat at irregular intervals). Anyway, here’s to you, and here’s to un-fine wines everywhere!