by Will Bailey
Got any pills? Allow me to rephrase: do you have any ibuprofen? I ask because I recently pulled a back muscle and am experiencing just enough pain to make me uncomfortable, but not enough to justify loudly whining to Wife about it (pretty much the worst kind of pain there is). The best I can do is keep popping over-the-counter pain meds and quietly tell myself that I’m a brave boy who is going to get a big ice cream when he gets home from work tonight. Granted, I eat ice cream pretty much all the time, but it’s fun to pretend, isn’t it? I suppose I should get to the most embarrassing part of this story, since you readers seem to respond most actively to tales of minor misfortune. I pulled this irksome back muscle while I was sleeping. That’s right. WHILE SLEEPING. If any of you have experienced a similar fate, you know just how pathetic one feels when discovering upon waking that their body is so weak it got injured performing the most passive activity possible. I suppose if you are a serial sleepwalker, and you routinely somnambulate your way into 24 Hour Fitness Centers to sleep-lift, that’s a different matter entirely. But for those of us deep sleepers who can’t handle the cloud-like consistency of mattresses and pillows, sleeping is a very dangerous activity indeed. Maybe I should start wearing my hockey equipment to bed. Sure, it reeks, but that’s the price you pay for peace of mind: smelliness.