Midnight in the Kindergarten of Good and Evil
by Will Bailey
Pure evil.
I’m captivated. Wife is regaling me with tales of her close encounters with a foreign, almost alien people. They are small, noisy and completely unpredictable. No, I’m not talking about Pygmies, I’m talking about Kindergartners. Although, now that I think about it, there’s basically no difference. Especially given the way Wife, who is a school teacher, describes them after a long day of picking up spilled containers of bones (buttons), being offered imaginary potions (soups) and trying to decipher torrential streams of gibberish (gibberish). In my opinion, what’s most unsettling about her anthropological report is the part about how their glistening, unblinking little eyes stay trained on her when she first enters the room. And then, in complete unison, the Pygmies chirp “Good morning Teacher” in a squeaky dialect. It’s right around this time that they “let slip the dogs of war” by running around the room, crying in corners and using their outdoor voices to try and assault all five of Wife’s senses and send her into a trance from which she will wake two hours later to find herself tied to a spit and rotating over a boiling pot of water with carrots and onions stuffed in her pockets. Of course, that’s just according to my wild imagination, probably because Kindergarten Teacher translates to My Worst Nightmare in Nailsbailsian. Luckily, Wife has developed an almost superhuman level of patience and tolerance for childish behavior. I wonder where she picked that up? Maybe she’s been taking a correspondence course in her free time? Who knows.
Every day when I send my son into his kindergarten class, I reflect that I’m glad I’m not the teacher. It’s hard enough running around after him and his little brother. I wouldn’t want 28 of them on my hands.
kids freak me out…especially the kindergarteners! Sometimes they are gross as well. I guess it goes without saying (but I will say it) that we don’t have any kids. I do like other peoples kids (well, most of them.) Props to wife!
I remember an old Far Side (?) with a teacher crawling out of the room saying “adult conversation! adult conversation!” That was warning enough for me! I teach Junior Achievement to high schoolers, sarcasm I can handle.
I think you should get over your fears in one fell swoop by visiting Wife’s Kindergarten as a distinguished guest. You can regale them with stories about Cat, and then have a mutant squirrel drawing contest. They will love you. Just remember to pack some wet-wipes because toddlers are often mysteriously sticky.
The stickiness! Oh, the horror!
I worked in an elementary library for two years. We always made sure there were two of us free to tend the kindergarten classes when they came in for their half hour once a week. We’d be haggard after a half hour and turn them over to their lone teacher. Ever since I hold kindergarten teachers in the highest regard!
They’re on the front lines.
Of civilizing humanity…