Gargantua and Panini
by Will Bailey
This blog is hot off the presses. That’s right, Nailsbails is now being printed in glorious Technicolor! But wait – a band of burly squirrels has broken into my printing warehouse and stolen all the ink! Won’t you help me get it back? Just follow the trail of acorns on the back of specially marked boxes of Frosted Sugar Units to solve the mystery and enter for a chance to win a Jelly Sparkle Lightning Scooter!! Don’t worry, Moms: Frosted Sugar Units are made from 100% pure units! What was I talking about again? Oh. Right. Remember back ninety seconds ago when I said Nailsbails was in print? That wasn’t entirely true. Wishful thinking? Perhaps. But put a rock in one hand and a wish in the other and see which one fills up faster. Thanks to this dumb aphorism, I now have way too many rocks. Speaking of which, does anyone out there know a good rock guy? I got a lot of merch I’m looking to unload. Back to presses. The fact of the matter is that I don’t care about printing presses, or pants presses, or any kind of press that is not of the genus Panini. In other words, I love Panini presses. They make any sandwich instantly 1,000 times more delicious. Also, the name is fun to say. Panini. Panini. Panini. Man, I wish my name was Panini. What a fun name. I bet Panini was a fun guy (or gal, because equality). Just runnin’ around, toasting sandwiches and honking those rubber horns you see in a lot of 1950’s cartoons. That settles it. From now on, my name is Panini.