Growth of the Beard
by Will Bailey
Think hairy. Whatever the image that just popped into your head was, please keep it to yourself. It’s too early for that level of sharing. Right now I’m at Sharing Level I, which includes how your weekend was and thoughts about the weather. Thoughts about hairy things are at least Sharing Level XVI, if not XVII. To get there I’ll need a few more cups of coffee, one Boston Cream Donut and some smelling salts. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about the real reason we are all here today, aside from you being bored and me having so much time and so little to do: beards. As some of you more seasoned, dare I say grizzled readers will attest to, beards are a particular sore subject in my curriculum of extra-ridiculous activities. That is because while it seemed my elementary school classmates were busy growing full-length fu manchus and handlebar mustaches during recess, I was stuck in the cafeteria wondering why I had been cursed to wander this lonely planet without so much as a stublet on my chinny-chin-chin. But that beardless pity party ends today, as I am beginning a new chapter in my life: The Beard Growing Chapter. That’s right, as of this moment, I am devoting all of my mental and physical energies to one thing and one thing only: sprouting a man mane. So if I appear sluggish, or more dim-witted-than-usual, it’s because I’m using 90% of my brain to sow and reap sideburns. Now go away. I have to concentrate.