The Pillow Teacher
by Will Bailey
Use your head. Unless you are installing hardwood flooring, in which case you should definitely use a hammer, and…knee pads? I don’t know – I’m not super handy. You should, however, most definitely use your head when it comes to resting on soft, fluffy, deliciously comfortable pillows of all shapes and sizes. And as Dictator for Life of the Pillow Enthusiasts Association, I fully endorse the following message: buy more pillows. The fact is that no one in the history of the world has ever been worse off by accumulating more pillows. Sure, they might not be any better, but the key here is that they’re not worse. That’s probably because pillows are the physical manifestation of human laziness. They’re the ultimate enablers, allowing their users to slip into a state of sultry relaxation for hours on end. What’s more, they make excellent barriers that prevent light from your phone’s glowing screen to disturb your tired and/or possibly grumpy spouse’s slumber, which means you can browse images of overweight squirrels until your eyelids grow heavy and you submit to the will of your own special name brand, medium support luxury pillow you purchased for yourself, and one for Spouse, at a certain big box store whose name contains three words starting with the letter B (hint: it’s not Beers, Burgers & Bratwursts).That reminds me: I need to start petitioning banks for a business loan. Beers, Burgers & Bratwursts isn’t going to build itself! I will also be accepting cash donations from my readers. Inquire within.