The Trim Machine
by Will Bailey
I’ve done it. By George, I’ve done it! After years of trial and error and shame and doughnuts, I have finally unlocked the secret to Quantum Exercise. What is Quantum Exercise, you ask? According to the National Association of Phony Experts, it is a form of cardiovascular exercise that looks like typical exercise, but upon closer inspection is actually enjoyable and not pure, unadulterated torture. So what’s the secret? Simple: combine one part video gaming system with one part recumbent exercise bicycle and shake until sweaty. The beauty of the recumbent bicycle is that it frees your hands up to do anything you want while you pedal off the pounds. In my case, Anything You Want happens to be playing video games. Sophomoric? Perhaps, but combined with the responsible discipline of routine exercise, it’s pretty darn impressive. As an added bonus, Wife can’t give me grief for playing video games for hours on end anymore, because I am now improving my health every time I pick up the controller. The only way my new Quantum Exercise regimen could be any better is if I could somehow learn a language while I played. Maybe I could get one of those Rosetta Stone things on tape and learn French while I burn calories and Take Online Opponents To School, all in one sitting. Before you know it I’ll be ten pounds lighter and taunting my enemies in French. Wife has no idea just how lucky she is, huh?