Return of the Vacationer
by Will Bailey
I’m back. If you read that in the voice of a fabulous fashion designer who has just returned from their expensive trip to Paris and is showered and caffeinated, you are way off. You should have read that more in the voice of the fashion designer’s assistant, who just crashed the fashion designer’s car on the way back from the car wash. Also they haven’t showered or had any coffee or slept in three days. Why is coming back from vacation so hard? Am I just especially lazy, or does everyone feel like a five-year-old leaving Disney World during the Back-From-Vacation-Come-Down? It’s as if my body was designed specifically for vacation, and now that I’m back in the real world and not doing things like Sleeping In and Taking Naps and Eating S’Mores, nearly all of my major bodily faculties are revolting [Jackie Gleason Voice : You can say that again!!!]. OK, who am I kidding: I’m still Eating S’mores – it’s the sleeping part that I’m really missing. For some reason, having a job doesn’t really vibe with waking up at 10 AM, eating a doughnut and going back to sleep. Then again, maybe I am in the wrong industry. Does anyone know of a job that allows you to simulate the effects of vacation at all times? How about some sort of psychological test subject where scientists measure the effects of Not Working over the span of an entire lifetime? I would be the first to sign up, let me tell you. I suppose the only downside of being a professional vacationer is that- NEVERMIND THERE ARE NO DOWNSIDES.