The Pepper and the Pendulum
by Will Bailey
Would you like some fresh pepper? Does the Pope like hamburgers? See, any waiter worth their salt knows that I’m a pepper freak. How they know this is a mystery to me. Maybe they are social media power users and have been casing me for years. Maybe they’re psychic and for some reason choose to use their special abilities to work for tips. I don’t know. I’M NO GENIUS. What I am, though, is somebody who likes a lot of pepper on their food. Like, a pile of pepper. In fact, I’ve been known to empty pepper shakers in one sitting. Salt I can go without. Frankly, I feel that most of the food in this country is grossly over-salted. As a corollary, it is also grossly under-peppered. Therefore I have unofficially dedicated my life to leveling the playing field between salt and pepper. Think about it: when was the last time you heard a doctor recommend decreasing your daily intake of pepper? The answer is never, because such a doctor would be immediately stripped of their “MD” license plate. By me. With a screwdriver. And a ski mask. At four in the morning. That’s right – I feel so strongly about advocating for increased pepper use that I am willing to vandalize a doctor’s personal property, and at odd hours, to boot. Fortunately, no such medical expert has been brazen enough to sully pepper’s reputation as a decent, hard working spice. A spice that can be enjoyed on every food imaginable, including ice cream. Especially ice cream.