News from Everywhere
by Will Bailey
This just in. Local news stations have officially run out of stories. I guess it was just a matter of time before we put out all the fires, caught all the escaped zoo animals, identified all the flashers (Professor Plum, in the bus station), interviewed all the nincompoops, stood next to all the highways in all the thunderstorms, cancelled all the school days and, finally, made sure all the yogurts were recalled from all the supermarkets in all the towns. That’s it. That’s everything. All you local news anchors can go home now! No more makeup or hairspray; no more talking like you learned English from a robot; no more dancing like you learned The Robot from an Englishman (that last one really only applies to Tom Mitchell of KWTZ Newscenter 4 – I’ve seen him dance, and it is not a pleasant sight). What will you do now that all the local news has been reported? Frankly, that’s not my problem. But since I’m such a nice guy who isn’t prone to milquetoast rants, allow me to offer a few suggestions. For starters, you could read. Or do a bunch of jumping jacks. You could literally sit in a chair and stare at the wall. You could do anything, really, as long as it is not sitting in a small, hot room with cameras pointed at your face and talking about the latest hot dog vendor consortium scandal. Maybe try your hand at curling? I hear Canada is lovely this time of year.