World champion.

Let the games begin. No, seriously, let’s get this show on the road. If I seem a bit impatient, it’s only because I’ve been training for this moment for the past four years. Every night, at the crack of seven thirty, I lower myself into a fully reclined position on the couch, flex my remote control and watch television like my entire country is depending on it. And now that the Summer Olympics are finally here, all that laziness and inertia is (hopefully) going to pay off. Some say I’m crazy for chasing Olympics Watching Glory, but they don’t understand the satisfaction that comes with viewing three Olympic events at once, thanks to years of hardcore channel surfing practice sessions with a trainer named Sven who motivates you with ice cream sandwiches and fear. Would it be nice if everyone who watched the Olympics competitively went home with a medal? Of course it would be. But that doesn’t mean we should usurp decades of Professional Couch Potato rules and regulations. The harsh reality is that not everyone is born with the physical gifts required to watch the Olympics like a champion. You need a soft, doughy body that can stand up to the most awkwardly configured pieces of furniture imaginable, eyes that can glaze over on command and, most importantly, snacks. Lots and lots of snacks. Preferably bite-sized frozen candy bars, but then again, empty calories are empty calories. All that really matters is that you’re eating them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare to sit here and watch a bunch of super humans push the limits of athletic ability.