Gushers Are Not The Only Fruit
by Will Bailey
The 90′s were a wild time. It’s a miracle any of us survived that decade, what with all the fruit snacks we were pumping through our systems. Fruit Roll-Ups, Fruit By The Foot, Shark Bites, Amazing Fruit, and of course, the Grand High Wizard Fruit Snack, Gushers: these were all common staples of the elementary school packed lunch, thanks to the Evil Genius of a few marketing execs who somehow got the FDA to approve changing the real name of these globs of sugar and gelatin from “Chemical Poison” to “Fruit Snacks.” Pretty soon every child was chewing vacuum fried gummies that spiked their daily values of toxic sludge and took roughly fifteen years to digest. That’s right, vacuum fried. It’s a real thing. Look it up. And if you think I’m being too dramatic about how a handful of manufacturers slowly poisoned an entire generation, do me a favor and take the Gushers Challenge. What’s the Gushers Challenge, you ask? Great question! I’d be happy to answer it! The Gushers Challenge is simple: eat one whole package of Gushers. That’s pretty much it. Sure, you may not feel anything now, but wait 12-16 hours, and you will feel the gummies gathering in your stomach like a storm cloud. Keep in mind that this is the “food” you ate five days a week for an entire decade. Of course, Big Fruit Snack has been laughing all the way to the bank since 1990. Which means it has been laughing for twenty-two years. That’s a lot of laughing. Like, an unhealthy amount of laughing.