The Last Chronicle of Baseball
by Will Bailey
Batter up. Nevermind. Batter down. Wife and I are at the ballpark, and the home team is getting pummeled. What’s worse, the opposing team is in last place, and yet our boys can’t seem to get past the batter’s box. The umpire is basically calling them out as soon as they leave the dugout. Of course, it’s not losing that I can’t stomach, it’s paying through the nose and then losing that drives me nuts and onto the field until I’m tackled by a semi-retired police officer who hasn’t run since the Carter administration. If a trip to the ballpark is going to set me back financially about five years, I expect to be entertained with a win and at least one magic trick between innings. And don’t give me that bologna about how the “experience” alone is worth the price of admission. There’s a name for people who go to baseball games purely for the experience: Minor League Fans. Nope, people go to Major League Baseball games to watch their favorite team win, preferably while eating or drinking or both (have you tried the new 100% kosher beef smoothies?). That is why I propose a new payment plan for pro baseball games. It’s pretty simple: if your team loses, you don’t pay. End of story. It’s kind of like hiring a team of lawyers to represent you in civil court. Except the lawyers aren’t ethically flexible (just flexible). It’s win-win. Unless you’re the owner. Then it’s pure loss all around.