The Wild Hairs
by Will Bailey
Hair I am. Sorry I’m running a little late. I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my hair to behave. I’ve tried everything from bribing it with treats (it loves tuna), scolding it (in German only) and even reverse psychology (regular psychology while walking backwards). But alas, it is still as wild as the day I was born. The only thing that seems to tame it at least a little bit is this special hair paste I bought in Chinatown from a ninety year-old Medicine Man. The paste is said to contain the proteins of one of the most deadly animals on the planet, the Box Jellyfish, although I suspect it’s really just a bunch of eucalyptus, judging from its label, “Eucalyptus Hair Paste.” Really, think about all the crazy substances we put in our hair to make it behave the way we want it to. Lotions, putties, conditioners, degreasers, regreasers, deregreasers…all in the name of vanity. We may have come a long way in the past 400 years, but as far as I’m concerned, the modern state of a-hairs is no better than back in the day of powdered wigs and royal in-breeding. Can we all agree to just go bald already? It looks futuristic, plus people who are naturally bald will finally enjoy a level playing field (as in completely mowed). What’s more, with all the world’s hair we could prevent natural disasters like floods and mudslides by creating protective walls of hair around our towns and cities. Man, the future is crazy!