Rites of Pizza
by Will Bailey
Isn’t biology amazing? The human tongue has four primary tasting zones: Sweet, Salt, Sour and Pizza. For years, Big Calzone has been bribing whoever names the tasting zones – the Flavor General, I guess? – to rename Pizza as Bitter. But I’m onto them. You see, the very second my first ever bite of pizza hit my Pizza Zone, I felt…powerful. It’s a bit hard to describe, but I imagine it’s similar to how The Incredible Hulk feels when he’s just hangin’ out eatin’ pizza. Whether it’s genetics handed down from generations of Strong Pizza Eaters or the result of some sort of freak accident that made my Pizza Zone unusually sensitive to pizza, this is Who I Am. Here’s the thing though: I did some digging, primarily in the Underground Internet Forums (the kind you access using MSDos while wearing trifocals), and discovered that I’m not alone. In fact, it seems that most people, especially Americans, have the same special gift I have. There are literally millions of people who see fireworks when they shove triangles of bread, cheese and sauce into their gaping maws. Once that pizza hits their Pizza Zones, Fuhgeddaboudit. So what does this mean? Was Darwin right? Are we as a collective race evolving Pizza Zones the likes of which the Animal Kingdom, nay, Animal Universe, has ever seen? Side note: are there any quadrupeds out there who go nuts for pizza as well? If so, we should figure out a way to link up Pizza Zones, kind of like the “Na’vi” do with their horses in Avatar. Just imagine: a society of pizza loving humans riding pizza loving hippos from sunrise to sunset. Wow.