Far from the Mall Crowd
by Will Bailey
Max stimulation.
Don’t crowd me. I’m not saying I don’t like attention. I do. I love attention. But if you are going to give it to me, do it from a safe distance, namely 50 to 100 feet, or 15.24 to 30.48 meters for those of you who enjoy systems of measure built on logic. It’s not that I have weird personal space issues, or an unusually sensitive sense of smell, it’s that I can’t be in a crowd of people without attempting to analyze the behaviors of every single individual. Sure, there are plenty of folks who can sit down in a crowded train station and completely tune out all the noise and activity surrounding them. I’m not one of them. I like to think of myself as one of those quirky television detectives who solves crimes by talking to ghosts, or drinking large amounts of cough syrup, only my “special gift” is becoming so over-stimulated in a large crowd that I get the shakes and pass out. OK, that last part was an embellishment, but the overstimulation part is 100% true. It’s so bad that I’ve considered investing in a pair of those noise-cancelling headphones and wearing them whenever I leave the house. That is, until I did a little homework and found out that I could buy a small car for the price of those things. At this rate I might as well visit the mall while inside my tiny car to maintain a comfortable sense of separation without being a total shut-in. “I don’t need a bag for those, just throw them in my trunk, please.”
hmm, isn’t that why they put blinkers on horses?
I thought that was to make them look hilarious.
hilariously not knowing when someone(horse) jerking them beside them
Another advantage being you’d never have to find a park.
True. The could turn the parking lot into an additional mall for motorcycles.
I can’t stop thinking about how awesome it would be to not get out of the car.
Something tells me you would benefit from my new and brilliant business idea – the drive-thru mall. (c)
Shopping and driving? How could this possible go wrong?
I have the Bose over-ear noise cancelling headphones and yes, expensive, but the peace of mind they give you is priceless. (Bose is not paying me for this endorsement btw) I wear mine daily on the commuter train and especially on weekends they have saved my sanity countless times. Sure, I can still see kids swinging like monkeys from the luggage racks and teenagers in various stages of ‘mouths wide open’, but no longer can I hear the noxious noises that accompany these acts of I-don’t-know-how-to-behave-in-public. Think of it as an investment into a higher quality of life. And less fainting.
In related news, sight-cancelling technology has existed for millenium. It’s called “closing your eyes.”
Yeah, tried that but was rudely disturbed by the conductor who wanted my ticket. After that I got creeped out wondering what else might be sneaking up on me…
You should get one of the clear passport holders that hang from your neck. Along with the headphones and eye mask, you’ll look rather fetching.
I have a ticket that needs to be punched so the passport holder won’t work. I don’t relish any akward conversations with the conductor about why he was groping my chest. (rolls eyes)