Ramblings of a Solitary Walker
by Will Bailey
Walk this way. It’s good for you, plus it makes you look busy and important. I’m not talking about taking a leisurely stroll through the park on a Sunday morning with a giant lollipop in one hand and a gymnastics floor ribbon in the other, neither. I’m talking about marching down the block at a brisk and purposeful pace, like you’re en route to an important engagement, or possibly even responding to an emergency. Not a life threatening emergency, but one that requires you to be on the scene within the hour. For instance, if a concrete mixer was tipping over very, very, very slowly, and you had about thirty to forty-five minutes to get to the construction site and help put it back upright. Or if there was a microscopic leak in an inflatable moon bounce at a birthday party across town, and you were the only one within a one hundred mile radius with the proper tools to patch it. Also, you don’t have a car because it was impounded last week when you double-parked in front of a Pink Berry. You know, that kind of emergency. Another advantage to walking is that you are exercising without producing a gallon of sweat. Unless you produce an unnaturally large volume of sweat no matter what you are doing, in which case don’t sweat it. Erm, I mean…sorry…I totally did not mean any disrespect. That was an accidental pun. It happens to me a lot, actually. I’m just going to, um, walk away from you now at a brisk and purposeful pace.