The Last Days of Humidity
by Will Bailey
I’ve got it! I am going to invent a device that plugs into a wall, makes loud noises for intermittent periods of time and then magically produces water out of thin air. What you do with this water is your own business. However, I do not recommend drinking it. Magic air water is notoriously bitter in taste, and contains a high concentration of sneezes that have dissolved into the atmosphere. Unfortunately, “Magic Air Water Maker” was already claimed at the patent office, so I will have to think of a new name. I know: how about I name it after my Great Aunt Mildred D. Humidifier? She’ll be so proud of her industrious nephew, and maybe she’ll even make me those special cookies that I so enjoy. The ones with the surprise filling. They are delightfully naughty. It’s impossible to eat just one! Listen to me going on about cookies. I’ve got some serious inventing to do. I even wrote it down on my personal day planner. “Today: Do Some Serious Inventing.” There’s also a short note in the margins to pick up more birdseed. But that is another matter entirely. Why do I seem so loopy, you ask? Perhaps it is a combination of one parts Lack Of Sleep and three parts Humidity. Luckily for me, this invention I am planning on will increase my supply of Magic Water while simultaneously decreasing the interior humidity. And since nothing makes me crankier than high humidity, I am anticipating a landmark reduction in overall crankiness. What’s that? Dehumidifiers have already been invented? Well, shoot. I guess I’ll go play video games instead.