by Will Bailey
Knock, knock. Anybody home? Flush once for yes, twice for no. Of course I realize that if you actually flush twice you are lying, but now we’ve established that I can’t trust you, haven’t we? That’s valuable information that may become useful one day. For example, if I ever have you and your twin sibling cornered in an alleyway, and one of you is evil, I’ll know which one to shoot with my potato gun: they lying one. Wait, that logic seems a little fuzzy. NEVERMIND! Back to the intellectually stimulating and spiritually awakening subject matter at hand: single occupant public restrooms. They’re the worst! For my money, there is nothing more terrible than playing that game of social Russian Roulette known as Guess That Bathroom! The rules are simple: 1) Timidly approach your single occupant public restroom; 2) Listen for any signs of activity through the sound-proof government issued door; 3) Knock once quietly, then awkwardly scramble with two sloppier, slightly louder knocks; 4) Place your hand on the knob and open the door with your eyes closed as you pray to all that is holy nobody is On The Other Side. And the secret to this horrifying little game? Nobody ever wins. Especially if you are the unlucky employee responsible for cleaning the bathroom. That’s like showing up to work everyday not knowing whether there is a rabid wolverine in your closed door, windowless office. You just gotta kinda sorta hafta take the plunge, both figuratively and literally. Aren’t metaphors gross?