The Fan Fan
by Will Bailey
I love my fans. Not only are they really cool, but they also help me fall asleep. Some people think I’m crazy for sleeping with fans, but they’re probably just jealous. What? Why are you looking at me that way? Oh. I see. You thought I was talking about people. Well, that’s ridiculous! I’m talking about the kind of fans that blow- OK, you know what? Let’s try to think of a different word we can use. How about: revolutionary air circulators. That’s better. You know, for my money, I’d take a revolutionary air circulator over an A/C unit any day. They’re cheap, easy to set up and provide you with a steady stream of cool air all through the night. They also make your voice sound funny if you talk through the spinning blades. But don’t try that, because it is almost as dangerous as it is fun. Note my deliberate use of the word “almost.” Just don’t blame me if you wind up in the emergency room with your tongue stuck in a fa-I mean, revolutionary air circulator. Wow. That was close. Innuendo averted! But seriously, with the first heat-wave of the summer upon us, I highly recommend ditching clunky, expensive air conditioning and hooking up a revolutionary air circulator. There. Who ever said a happily married man couldn’t talk about appliances with spinning blades that cool him off and make his voice sound robotic without seeming uncouth? Shame on you. Shame on you all.