The Hour of the Stuff
by Will Bailey
Gypsy queen.
I’m a monster. Allow me to explain. Today is my last day at work before moving on to a new company. Predictably, I have way, way too much stuff in my office to bring home in just one trip. This means that over the past several months, I have been unconsciously hoarding trinkets, tchotchkes and doodads (oh my!) at an unnatural rate. Unnatural, perhaps, for humans, but not unnatural for another member of the Animal Kingdom – one that is so depraved and base, I have trouble even typing the letters in its bone-chilling name. That’s right, I’ve officially become a squirrel. Therefore, I am a monster. I know full well that I am not the only human who suffers from squirrel dysmorphia, but one feels very alone lugging a shopping bag full of posters, paper weights, assorted coffee mugs, plush toys, photos and a jar of thumb tacks down the hallway like some sort of gypsy moving on to the next town to hawk exotic wares. “My name is Nailsbarelda, and I have been traveling the lands for decades, like my ancestors before me, making my trade in the streets of the most bustling cities and bucolic countrysides. But do not let my exceptional beauty fool you. I am exceedingly crafty, and indeed rely on my feminine charms to spellbind my unsuspecting marks before picking their pockets clean.” OK, I’m done. How did I jump from squirrel to gypsy in just one sentence? I must be exhausted from carrying all that stuff.
Congrats on the new job! Did you consider bequething stuff on people? “Barry, I want you to have this moldy coffee cup so that you remember all our good times we had haning out by the water cooler”. You know sort of like regifting but now you have attached feelings to it so they have to keep it
also, maybe you are more of a were squirrel (distant cousin to the were wolf) and if you do not take everything to the new job…the curse will be broken!
Thanks! I didn’t bother because I know my office will be picked clean by my fellow coworkers once I’m gone, much like a dead antelope on the Serengeti.
Do you like squirrels better knowing that they eat spiders? In the rock-paper-scissors world of “I don’t want that jumping out of my closet”, squirrels are WAY better than spiders and gypsys, no? Now clowns – they’re pretty much at the top of the monster list. I think I’d rather deal with a spider, ’cause it’s ok to kill them. Hope you like your new job and make all sorts of interesting, non-clown friends!
Much like manatees are the clowns of the sea, squirrels are the clowns of the forest.
Squirrels are tricksy and agile, always managing to get on birdfeeders no matter what you do to deter them. Very persistant little things.
Maybe gypsies take hints better?
Congrats on the new job
http://mystudentstruggles.wordpress.com
I wonder what a gypsy-proof feeder would look like.
Well first of all, congrats on your new job! I hope it’s everything your wanting. I “retired” from my last job, last year, and I too took things home piecemeal. I was there only 4 years and still had lots o’ stuff, on top of the gifts I received on my last day. Glad my hubby was there to help!!! I really enjoy your posts. It’s your kind of humor that I can truly relate to. On that note, I hope I’m able to further add to your great fortune because I’ve NOMINATED YOU for the VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m sorry it wasn’t sooner; you coulda added this to your resume!!! With the award comes some rules which I posted on my site, aprairiegodmother.com, so you can copy and paste them to make it easier. Be sure to copy and paste the green award itself so you can display it on your site!!! CONGRATULATIONS again on your new job AND your new award nomination!! Keep those great posts coming!!!!
Thank you! I will!
I agree completely Jason. I see plepoe every day asking if my bookmarking service will land them on page one in google, or if a system i promote will make them money in a week. it gets old after about the 20th time in a week of hearing the same questions. You have to put in work and effort, no matter what some plepoe say. there is no get rich quick overnight success.I don’t make near as much as you do, but in my 2 years online, I have seen plepoe online 3 times longer than me that haven’t made any money at all.Most of those that I talk to just bounce from one thing to another looking for the get rich quick pill and never put in the effort it takes.
Good luck with you new job. And may the seed and acorns be plentiful and the bb guns scarce.
Beautiful. That should be woven into a quilt.
Or a coffee cup!
Just be sure to hide your bushy squirrel tail at your new job. I heard they are distracting and therefore frowned upon in the work environment. Best of luck.
According to the new hire handbook, “Squirrel tails must be no longer than five inches but no shorter than two inches.”
Job transitions are always stressful. But I would rather deal with squirrels than gypsies, only because gypsies can curse you if you piss them off. Squirrels just run up the tree and chat at you, which you can avoid by going back in your house or office with all of your fun and unnecessary little trinkets! Good luck at the new job.
You honestly believe squirrels do not possess the ability to cast curses? Oh…oh my…you…you have so much to learn…
Squirrels are, indeed, monsters. They gnaw on things they have no business gnawing on, and when you calmly ask them to get off your property, they look at you with a jarring expression on their face, taunting you to “try and make ‘em” – when you actually run after them, they spit acorns at you.
True story.
I’d rather tell a gypsy to get off my property. At least they’d probably leave a bit of gold behind or some feathers, or whatever gypsies have…
Gold and feathers sounds accurate.
Congratulations on your new job! Hope you don’t have to deal with uncivilized people.
Thanks! That is always a concern…
I have been telling pepole the same thing about making money online. There are no guarantees in this business. There are simply way to many variables that you cannot predict accurately. Even pepole that have been doing this for years still miss the mark on some projects. They end up being total flops even though you thought they had real potential.There is no substitute for hard work period.