The Iced Coffee Harvest
by Will Bailey
I’ve done it. I have discovered one of the physical world’s most closely guarded secrets. Even Newton himself struggled with this great mystery for decades, until he went crazy and accidentally invented calculus. Indeed, it is a secret so precious that only a select few lie privy to its nuances, specifically every single employee of Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, Coffee Bean and thousands of other Mom & Pop diners and coffee shops (so, like, millions of people probably). The secret I speak of with such veneration is, of course, How to Make Iced Coffe, and is one that has alluded the common proletariat for millenia. For some reason, the mechanics of this endeavor thoroughly baffle even the most learned of house husbands, who wind up with a luke-warm cup of watery coffee that tastes like a barrel of rainwater that has more than likely been used by squirrels as a bathtub. The fatal mistake, I have discovered, is that most people pour their hot coffee directly over ice, which melts rapidly and results in a the aforementioned squirrel tub effect. The trick – and, mind you, this is how the major coffee shops get away with selling you the same amount of coffee for 50% more money by adding ice – is that you have to first chill the coffee, either by sticking it in the refrigerator or letting it cool to room temperature. Sure, this takes time and patience, two commodities that most people don’t have, but we all make sacrifices, especially when it comes to going up against the titans of iced coffee establishment. In fact, if Ayn Rand were still alive, I bet she’d be a total homemade iced coffee addict. Now there’s a scary thought. How’d you like to be stuck in a room with Ayn Rand after she’s had about three iced coffees? Yikes.