The Water Factory
by Will Bailey
I need a drink. Well, actually, I don’t. But I’ve been conditioned by the powers that be (or the powers that are, whichever is more grammar-y) to drink as much water as I can all day, every day. Why? So I can keep the pockets of Big Toilet lined with golden silk that looks really expensive but in reality is extremely cheap to manufacture thanks to substandard labor practices in the exporting nation of origin but so the insane designer mark-up is really what these toilet lobbyists are actually buying with their dirty disposable toilet income? I’m sorry, that was a run-on sentence. I guess I sound a little loopy, probably on account of the gallon of water I just chugged. With all this water gushing through my system, I can’t even think straight! Of course, that’s exactly how Big Toilet wants us: drunk with the sweet desalinated nectar of Poseidon’s moistened brow. As long as we’re kicking back at least eight glasses of water per day, we’ll be too busy running back and forth between the faucet/water fountain and bathroom/water fountain to notice the toilet mafia collecting “rent” on every single toilet flush. It’s a racket, I tell ya, and I’m not going to stand for it any longer. I say it’s high time we put a stop to this aqueous bacchanalia and make the permanent switch to solids. From now on, I am recommending the consumption of a minimum of eight watermelons per day. Please note that I am not a doctor. In fact, 95% of what I just said is insane.