The War of the Waists
by Will Bailey
Place your bets. For we are witnessing one of the greatest heavyweight bouts the world has ever known. It is a clash of titans so irascible that their battle cries can be heard from austere mountaintop to bucolic dell. Also, if anyone can tell me what a dell is I would greatly appreciate it. Who are these two heavyweights I am waxing old-timey sports anchor for? None other than that force of forces, gravity and…my belt. For you see, even right this very second gravity is waging a relentless offensive against my belt, which has dug-in quite convincingly along the waistline of my pants, using the belt loops as structural reinforcement. But, oh no! What’s this?? Some dimwitted private engineer has neglected one of the belt loops completely, exposing a vulnerable section of belt that gravity is now advancing on! Oh, the humanity! The private engineer must have been tired when he was laying that section of belt. Probably because he was up all night watching “Property Brothers” on HGTV. Oh well, it’s too late now. Gravity is about to expose this fateful error and make a mess of the belt’s defensive capabilities. All we can do now is sit back and-WAIT! I don’t believe it! Gravity is…retreating? But why? It must have detected some unseen counter-measure. Ah, it’s clear now. The belt’s owner just ate half a pizza. Alright, folks, nothing to see here. Show’s over. Come back in a week or so, when the diet starts back up.