The Bluest Ice Cream
by Will Bailey
I love ice cream. That’s it. There’s no joke. I just want you all to know that I totally love ice cream hard, and you’ll never be able to keep us apart [stomps down hallway and slams door]. See, as previously mentioned, I have a bit of a sweet tooth, which makes me crave ice cream like a pregnant hippopotamus that possesses funny anthropomorphic quirks, including but not limited too, a predilection for consuming large quantities of ice cream. My favorite flavor is probably Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, but I also like anything with “caramel swirl” in the title. You could serve me a plate of caramel swirl shoe polish and I would eat it. Would I die? Perhaps, but at least I died doing what I love: eating what I wrongly assumed was chocolate caramel ice cream. Of course, eating several pints of ice cream every week takes its toll, physically, which is why I have to exercise extra-vigilantly just to break even. You might say that I’m training for the Ice Cream Olympics, only instead of the games happening every four years, they happen every single night. The good news is everybody who participates gets a gold medal. It’s made of chocolate and comes on the side. Unfortunately, many of the athletes have been caught doping by cutting their ice cream with zero calorie frozen yogurt. They’ve since been demoted to the Junior Sherbert Invitational. Truth be told, it’s a bleak affair-very weak selection of toppings. Just awful, really.