The Postman Always Texts Twice
by Will Bailey
I’m texting. But it’s not what you think it is. See, as a form of mild protest of these modern times, I have created a new system of communication that usurps that horrible scourge, the text message. After all, a text message is nothing more than a bad idea in text form. Think about it: it’s often the first thing that pops into your cranium, and because the method of conveyance is so instant, there’s nothing stopping you from immediately passing it on to your friend, ex or friend’s ex’s ex-friend’s ex (it’s complicated). For example, a typical unfiltered text message would read as such, “Beans give me cramps.” Because it takes virtually no effort whatsoever to send this message to your entire list of contacts, your friends and coworkers are now privy to this useless, somewhat gross personal fact that has probably made them slightly dumber just for reading it. But with my new system, this will never happen. That’s because my system consists of writing the message by hand using Monk calligraphy, getting the message notarized (which forces the embarrassment of explaining to a notary public why beans give you cramps) and finally mailing the message, along with a large gift basket of decorative soaps, chocolate truffles and charcutiere (whatever that is), via the slowest possible form of mail delivery: UPS Donkey. This way, only the most crucial, life-changing messages are delivered to their intended recipients in 6-8 months, depending on the terrain (donkey’s aren’t very good swimmers). Of course, this system tends to fail in emergencies, as receiving the message “I’m being attacked by raccoons” 6 months later is not super effective. But that’s why one must always carry raccoon spray, now isn’t it?