I’m Not Still
by Will Bailey
I can’t sit still. No, really: it’s actually impossible for me to sit motionless for extended periods of time. I’m kind of like a shark in that if I stop moving bad things will happen (plus too also I really love tuna and scaring swimmers). According to Mother I was the World’s Worst Lap Baby, which really is a shame because everyone loves a good lap baby. They’re like dogs except one day they will have an App Store account. Me? I was so squirmy that I would launch myself out of laps like a Mexican cliff diver, complete with diaper speedo and decorative cape. It’s a shame Red Bull hadn’t been invented yet, because I’m sure I could have landed a lucrative sponsorship deal with their Baby Bull division of acrobatic and death-defying infants. A few televised lap launches later and I could have been retired by now (or permanently hobbled due to all those hard landings). Instead, I’m spending 8-10 hours a day sitting at a desk, trying to prevent my legs from running away from my buddy. In fact, right now, as I am typing, my right knee is bouncing up and down like Sofia Vergara on a moon bounce after drinking a big iced coffee. If only there was a way I could harness the energy needlessly expended by my bouncing knee, I would never have to work, and therefore sit, again! Quick, does anyone know of a machine that is powered by bouncing knees? I’ll be sitting here, bouncing, until you get back to me.