Crime and Dentistry
by Will Bailey
I’m worried. Not about giant sinkholes or hamster flu, but rather about my impending dentist appointment. Otherwise known as the Gentle Clowns of the Medical Profession, dentists have a way of making me feel very, very uncomfortable. They also keep my teeth healthy, which is certainly something I can not do myself, and for that I am somewhat grateful. Thus, the eternal struggle of Good vs. Dentist continues. While not wholly evil in constitution, dentists possess many shortcomings, which may or may not outweigh their strengths. Shall we identify them? We shall. Pro: Dentist offices have Popular Mechanics magazine, which shows you what the future will look like (hint: everything flies). Con: Dentist offices are freezing and only play the song Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. Pro: Dentists are friendly and easy going. Con: Dentists ask you to tell your life story while your mouth is clamped open. Pro: Dentists are really good at flossing. Con: Dentists know they are really good at flossing, and therefore hold a false sense of superiority over certain people who maybe aren’t so good in the flossing department but big deal buzz off OK? Pro: Dentists make your teeth feel like new again. Con: Dentists hide under your bed at night and wait for you to fall asleep so they can poke your gums with sharp instruments. After exhaustive analysis, we may conclude that dentists have many qualities: some good, some horrible. Irrespectivegardless, it would be wise not to trifle with them. They’ve got that sucky-thing.