Crime and Dentistry
by Will Bailey
Tight lips.
I’m worried. Not about giant sinkholes or hamster flu, but rather about my impending dentist appointment. Otherwise known as the Gentle Clowns of the Medical Profession, dentists have a way of making me feel very, very uncomfortable. They also keep my teeth healthy, which is certainly something I can not do myself, and for that I am somewhat grateful. Thus, the eternal struggle of Good vs. Dentist continues. While not wholly evil in constitution, dentists possess many shortcomings, which may or may not outweigh their strengths. Shall we identify them? We shall. Pro: Dentist offices have Popular Mechanics magazine, which shows you what the future will look like (hint: everything flies). Con: Dentist offices are freezing and only play the song Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. Pro: Dentists are friendly and easy going. Con: Dentists ask you to tell your life story while your mouth is clamped open. Pro: Dentists are really good at flossing. Con: Dentists know they are really good at flossing, and therefore hold a false sense of superiority over certain people who maybe aren’t so good in the flossing department but big deal buzz off OK? Pro: Dentists make your teeth feel like new again. Con: Dentists hide under your bed at night and wait for you to fall asleep so they can poke your gums with sharp instruments. After exhaustive analysis, we may conclude that dentists have many qualities: some good, some horrible. Irrespectivegardless, it would be wise not to trifle with them. They’ve got that sucky-thing.
I have never understood there insistent need to poke at the gums with sharp instruments.
Con: When working on your teeth, it looks like you have a wide-mouthed awkward smile.
Grin and bear it.
They are barbarians, and we pay them to torture us.
They lack molar fiber.
I’ve been terrified of them since I was a kid — with a dentist named Dr. Dragon. What were my parents thinking?
In the words of Machiavelli, it is better to be feared by your dental patients than to be loved.
He was such a bastard, Machavelli. Dr. Dragon would have made mincemeat out of him.
I imagine “Solsbury Hill” is a better song to play in a dental office than “Sledgehammer.”
I think you just won the internet.
CON- Mine is a good guy – the best. But alwasy ASKES A QUESTION WHILE HE HAS THOSE THINGS IN YOUR MOTH AND THER IS NO WAY TO RESPOND OTHER THAN WITH “nhnh nhnh” and ‘uhn uhn”
The only thing you can clearly say while in that position is “Uh oh,” which, ironically, is not something you want to be saying in that position.
william! think about this! A polish crazy woman dentist recently got in trouble because her ex boyfriend came into to have his teeth cleaned and she put him under. he then woke up with all of his teeth gone. google it. true story of 2012.
The following is based on a tooth story…
Apparently he had a lobotomy first; would YOU go to an ex- for anything?
Oh dear! I love my dentist. And no we arent related…
Pro: dentists say nice things about your mouth which can be construed as sexual in nature… Which is funny and makes sitting it that chair hysterical!
Not gonna touch this one with a ten foot toothbrush.
Con: They also have to put their hands way too close to your mouth and in turn you can look up and see their nose hairs…this is a major con.
You know what would be really terrible? If all the art on the walls was framed photos of nose hairs.
My appetite just went out the window