The Long Red Line
by Will Bailey
Wait here. I can only service one reader at a time, so you will have to stand in line until it is your turn to read. OR, you could purchase a SpeedReader Platinum Pass, which allows you to jump to the front of the line instantly. It costs only $89.99, which is a bargain when you consider how boring standing in line is. HOW BORING, YOU ASK? It is so boring that in the third grade I proffered a trade of one Hostess Cupcake for cutting Timmy Oliver in the hot lunch line. That’s right, an entire Hostess Cupcake! Do you have any idea how much those things are worth in
prison elementary school?? You could get a teacher FIRED over a Hostess Cupcake. “Principal Howard, Mrs. Peachtree has been busting my chops. If you send her packing, I’ll give you…this [reveals Hostess Cupcake, shields eyes from blinding radiance].” I was so serious about the trade that I even came up with My First Contract Stipulation: no cuts back. Unfortunately, Timmy was a crafty little weasel, and made a counter-offer of two cupcakes for one cut and a cut-back redeemable at any time, excluding weekends and federal holidays. So I waited in line like a sucker, cursing myself for forgetting that Timmy’s daddy was a corporate lawyer who put half the class to sleep when he was a guest speaker on Career Day. What’s the lesson here? Don’t expect to cut the line without losing a few cupcakes. That, or there is no lesson. I’m just talking nonsense.