The Spider House Rules
by Will Bailey
Shiver shrug.
I’m bugging out. There’s a spider on the ceiling, and it is terrifying. If I so much as glance at it, my entire body seizes up in goosebumps and my shoulders start shrugging, involuntarily (otherwise known as the shiver-shrugs). How can something so small have such a big effect on my senses, you ask? IT’S A SPIDER. The most horrifying combination of nature and nightmare in existence. Have you ever really studied a spider? They look like something a five-year-old would draw: a hairy circle with a bunch of legs and eyes [I just got the shiver-shrugs typing that]. Last I checked, the folks over at Pixar weren’t planning on producing an animated feature about lovable spiders. And if they are, the FCC needs to send a SWAT team over there with giant magnets and forceably wipe every single hard-drive in the building, even if it means destroying all the other movies they are working on. Don’t worry, I’m sure they won’t mind starting over from the beginning. How hard can computer animation really be? Back to spiders [shiver-shrug]. I fully appreciate that spiders single-handedly prevent insects from taking over the world, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start keeping them as pets and giving them treats and taking pictures of them and posting them online. Until spiders can learn to stop looking less like spiders and more like puppies, I am going to keep a safe distance while shiver-shrugging and trying to think happy thoughts. Speaking of which, that spider better not have-oh no. It’s gone. But where did it go? [shiver-shrugs three times, passes out]
You don’t want to know this but yesterday Yahoo news had a story about an infestation of spiders in a Florida house. That’s all I’ll say, you can look it up if you need the details. Basically I learned a valuable lesson which is never set your default homepage to Yahoo news.
Ok, I know I’m like 2.5 months late but anyway. Oh my SACK, if someone just utters the letters “s-p-i” in that order my body involuntarily catapults itself to China, or Malaysia, or just anywhere that’s far enough away from the possible location of the 8-legged beast.
Aww, you have never read “Charlottes Web” have you? It is about a nice spider (fluffy lovely and quite cute!). They also made a movie out of it with a CGI spider! This is your idea of hell isn’t it? Okay… I’ll shut up now.
Are you insane? Charlotte is a man-eating devil spider from hell. Serioulsy, have you seen a Barn Spider up close? I hope your answer is no because if you have, then I suspect you have no soul and it’s too late to save you now.
I don’t really have to worry about spiders… My cat eats them.
I feel your pain! I hate spiders! I hate the shiver shrugs and the crawling skin. It’s so bad when if feels like they could be on you! Sometimes when hubby is not home to kill them, I have to. Then I burn them, (just in case they are about to have a whole lot of baby spiders) to make sure they are realy dead.
Single-handedly? Do spiders have hands?
Why don’t you get nice and close to one and have a look?
Froga are too small to be squished. And you can not hide from them, they can hop anywhere. AND, they don’t give a f___. Spiders at least get the message when you shoo them away. Frogs just can’t be reasoned with.
Haha. Yes yes. It’s the way they look at you. You know they just want to freak out all over your face and bite you. Preferably in the middle of the night while you are sleeping.
You should see the biggies they’ve got there.
I moved overseas from Australia just to get away from them
No thank you.
I feel this strongly about frogs.
Please elaborate immediately.
I have a totally irrational fear of frogs. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, stop myself from screaming like an idiot if one crosses my path. In high school, my “friends” used to put them on my car or other places that I was sure to have to face them. And every time, I cried like a fool. Very embarrassing.
But does that mean you are not afraid of spiders? With our powers combined, we could conquer the world!
Oh my GOD, me too! I thought I was the only one in the whole world with ranidaphobia!
I can assure you both this is an FFZ (Frog Free Zone).
Well, I admit, it is a relief to know I’m not alone!
Ick! I can hardly engage with this post as I’m that scared of those things. I could hardly stand to touch the styrofoam, accordian-style construction paper-legged one that I made in 3rd grade.
Yay! I’m thrilled I got picked for Comment of the Week! Thank you! This almost makes up for the fact that I just today noticed I got pulled off WordPress’ Recommended Blogs after a solid two-month run. I feel like someone just stuck a styrofoam, accordian-style construction paper-legged spider down the back of my shirt.
Down with spiders.
You’re still on there. WordPress shuffles through a bunch of different blogs each time you do a new search. We are both in the rotation.
Are you sure? I just now searched about 10 times
I think it must’ve been my post on Pop Rocks. It was very controversial.
Phew, there I am! I was just now sitting in a bare room with only a pillow, a blanket and an empty bag of crackers but now I’ve found my will to live again.
Spiders, schmiders! Of course, I don’t want to take a bath in a tub of them, but for real horror, let’s talk rats. Shiver shrug (thanks for that, btw.)
I followed Angie over here like a demented stalker. I, too, have a sinking feeling I’ve been dropped from the list. I haven’t seen me in a day, and there are a bunch of new ones on there now. (pathetic, whiny, needy cry for attention, I know.)
One more comment about spider baths and you are banned for life. I almost had a panic attack reading that.
I totally hear you! I almost didn’t read this post because of the title. [shiver-shrug] However, I am glad I did; you captured my fears eloquently. There was a spider movie though; Charlotte’s Web. Cute, but still a spider. [shiver-shrug]
Today I learned that reading “shiver-shrug” gives me the shiver-shrugs.
I swear, I give off some sort of pheromone of fear that only spiders can detect. I’ve started jokingly calling myself the Spider Lord because they flock to me…and I start screaming for someone to come murder them.They’re really bad in my bedroom. Like propelling down from the ceiling Mission Impossible style (not joking, this is not a rare occurrence) bad. I live in a house of horrors.
It is clear what you must do: demolish your house.
With fire!
Hysterical. ROFL.
Bedroom Spiders around here get taken outside, all others are okay they just have to run a gauntlet of 10 dogs.
Do your dogs know how to tame unruly cats? I have money.