Looking for the Possible Scam
by Will Bailey

Nails Eastwood.
I’m all riled up. No, I did not just eat half a pint of frozen yogurt (that was last night). I’m steamed because I’ve been trying to sell my car on Craigslist, yet it seems most of the inquiries are unabashed scams. The exchanges usually go something like this: [Scammer] “isth car still for sale? [Me] Yes! [Scammer] Hello glad to meet of your acquaintance. As my wife will have the need for the car she has asked that I handle the financials for the transaction and therefore would you mind telling me the VIN number your address and your bank account numbers so that I may run a basic auto insurance quote to determine the auto insurance premiums for my wife’s auto insurance. Thank you with regards.” So, naturally, I follow their detailed, uncannily articulate instructions, send them the information they need, and never hear from them again. Unbelievable! Sure, the bank account number I gave them was written in skulls and poison symbols, and the address was “325 Years in Prison Road,” and the VIN number was an invisible voodoo hex I put on the e-mail before I sent it back, but still…is there no such thing as common courtesy anymore? Maybe what these scammers really need is some old fashioned Clint Eastwood beat-down justice. Heck, I bet Mr. Eastwood has had his fair share of bogus scam e-mails. Maybe he’d be willing to go on a cyber-rampage, gritting his teeth and shaking the monitor until the scammers emerge from their slimy hideouts with their hands in the air and marinara stains on their undershirts. Hey! I should send Clint an e-mail-maybe I can be his side-kick! I just hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to scam him.

‘Fess up. You’re really that monkey Clint used to have in his movies. You shaved the body hair off, didn’t you?
I confess, but only because I don’t want to lose my head. After all, you are The Mad Queen.
Ever since you got a job, your self-portrait has been progressively gaining weight. Either your self-portrait has low self-esteem or it needs to start jogging.
On another topic: Why do you assume that the sauce on the scammers’ undershirts is marinara? It could also be red wine, salsa, barbecue sauce, jerk sauce, soy sauce, port-wine-sauce, curry sauce, borscht, another ethnic sauce, or even blood. Maybe your self-portrait should take a combination Self-Esteem/Sensitivity/Jogging class.
Everybody knows the sketch pad adds ten pounds!
The sketch pad does indeed add ten pounds to self-portraits … as well as marinara sauce to gangsters’ undershirts. Judging by your scammers’ grammar, I’d say curry is on their shirts. Not judging. Just saying.
Clint doesn’t employ sidekicks. He rapes them.