February 17, 2012
Stop staring.
Look on the bright side. No, really…check out that well-lit area of the room. It looks fantastic. Who’s their interior decorator, I wonder? Probably someone famous. Like, reality show on HGTV famous. That reminds me: if I ever get my own reality show, make sure they only shoot me head-on. See, I’ve got this complex about side profiles. Sure, some people look great from the side, but then again, some people don’t have a head shaped like a luge helmet and an enormous barrel chest. In fact, I do, which is precisely why I hate prom pictures and shimmying past palace guards. I also don’t stand in lines. I sort of “hang out” in them-grooving and jiving all over the place so nobody can view me from the side for more than a few seconds. I know this kind of behavior seems strange, especially coming from a guy who normally loves sides: a side of fries, The Far Side, Sideways (the movie, not the orientation), but I cant help it, it’s practically in my DNA! My great-great-great-great-grandfather, ScrewBails, was reportedly blindsided by a pack of wolves in a pumpkin patch. Ever since that fateful day, he never allowed himself to be viewed from the side. He just kept spinning and spinning until he eventually collapsed from exhaustion. The official cause of death was found to be Pumpkin Confusion, but recent findings point more towards wolf rabies. Poor ScrewBails. Rest in peace, you old kook.
Pumpkin patches are the worst. I blame linus with his wild great pumpkin antics for promoting pumpkin patches. They are cesspools for violence and hatred.
You obviously feel strongly about this.
How about sideburns?
Sadly, I lack the ability to grow facial hair. But that’s my challenge.
“Ever since that fateful day, he never allowed himself to be viewed from the side. He just kept spinning and spinning until he eventually collapsed from exhaustion. The official cause of death was found to be Pumpkin Confusion”
Hilarious! Is this why dogs sometimes spin in circles? Ancient memories of being attacked by fellow members of the Canidae family?
We are all connected by the Circle of Pumpkin Confusion.
Wolf rabies ain’t no fun.
Nope.
Sorry about your grandfather. Makes my head spin just thinking of how he died.
Incredibly, I’m done grieving.