The Great Greeting Card
by Will Bailey
Bee mine. Get it? There’s a cartoon bee blowing a kiss. But wait. There’s more. As you can see, if you open the card, there is a cartoon pot of honey (also blowing a kiss) above another brilliant line. To wit: “You’re my little honey pot.” That’s right. It’s all for you. The bee, the honeypot-everything. What’s that? You’re not impressed?! But…but I spent five dollars on this bad boy! Well, actually it was $4.99 plus tax – I can even show you the receipt if you want – but “five dollars” sounds sexier. Look, don’t blame me for the artistic merit, or total lack thereof, of the modern greeting card. I’m just playing the hand I was dealt, from a rigged deck. Who rigged the deck? Why, Big Greeting Card, that’s who! How do you think it is that the price of greeting cards has steadily risen over the years while at the same time the quality has noticeably declined? Do you really think it’s a coincidence that the stock market crash of ’08 happened right around the same time the “Big Three” – the three largest greeting card manufacturers in the world – switched the motif for Birthday Cards for Third Cousins Twice Removed from puppy dogs licking ice cream cones to kitty cats spilling out of butter churns? The people weren’t ready for such radical change! It caused a chain reaction of mortgage defaults, sweeping credit rating downgrades and massive outcry from Third Cousins United, a public interest group which serves as a mouthpiece for slightly-odd third cousins everywhere. But I’ve said too much. I’ve risked a great deal by simply handing you this crappy card (which explains why I wasn’t able to get you a present to go with it). Don’t believe me? Well, those cards that play music: they contain secret recording devices. For all we know, they could be listening to us right now. [whispering] Happy Valentine’s Day!