Tinker Tailor Soldier Squirrel
by Will Bailey
I’m going nuts. At least that’s how I feel with all these darn squirrels looking at me through the kitchen window with their bug-eyes, nervously twitching. There are so many squirrels in our backyard that I’m starting to feel like one myself. Come to think of it, I do eat a lot of peanuts, and our cat, Cat, is always trying to murder me. To be fair, we’re not exactly helping the problem by providing a free, 24-hour birdseed buffet for the squirrels to monopolize. The six foot pole we hung the feeder on might as well be a silver platter with a little squirrel knife and fork and a miniature bib that has a cartoon nut on it. Apparently our squirrels have the dexterity of Tom Cruise (not when he’s filming a spy movie, but rather when he’s hungry and trying to reach a big old pile of bird seed in his neighbor’s backyard). That’s why Wife decided to fight back by coating the feeder stand with slippery butter spray (a little trick she learned from her Grandma). So now the squirrels are enjoying the absolute taste sensation that is buttered bird seed. They’ve gotten so fat that I’m starting to mistake them for possums, which have gotten so fat that I’m starting to mistake them for deer. The real kicker is the window feeder we just recently installed, which seats one obese squirrel, or five healthy squirrels, comfortably. At least now Cat can sit on the window sill and be mere inches from their fatty rumps–nothing but a pane of glass separating him and a big dumb perpetually-snacking animal. Let’s just hope he doesn’t notice the guy eating peanuts on the couch.