Harry Potter and the Disoriented Husband
by Will Bailey
Spoiler alert! If you have not read/seen/listened to/watched live! in concert/dreamed/or hallucinated the final installment of J. K. Rowling’s serial cash cow, “Harry Potter,” then consider yourself fairly warned that I am about to ruin the ending. Of course, I never read any of the books, and the only Harry Potter movie I’ve ever seen was the one I watched last night with Wife – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2.” With that in mind, what I am about to tell you probably won’t ruin anything, because I understood approximately 2.5% of the plot. Here goes. Part 2 begins right where Part 1 left off: at the end of Part 1. There’s Harry. He’s a wizard. Why is this movie so dark? Seriously, it’s really hard to see anything, which sucks for me, because I have zero frame of reference for any of these characters. This must be what it feels like for someone who doesn’t speak English to watch “The Dark Knight” in English. Oh, there’s the bad guy. Unfortunately, I don’t know what to call him because nobody is saying his name. He kind of looks like a velociraptor. Is that what he is? A raptor? So far, I’ve learned that Harry Potter has to fight a raptor, and the brightness setting on my television maxes out at “80.” Why wouldn’t you make it go to “100?” Silly television designers! Now Harry is fighting the raptor, who also has a pet snake. Or is that part of the raptor’s tail? Like a snake tail? Wait, who’s that guy? It’s over.