by Will Bailey
I need a favor. That is why I have come to you, Jobfather, for you are the only one in this bureaucratic world who can Make Things Happen. But let us dispense with the pleasantries, and get down to business. Are you familiar with Automated Online Job Form? That sleazy, two-bit bum who always seems to be standing between you and what you want, a job? This guy has caused nothing but headaches, dizziness, and carpal tunnel syndrome for millions, and it’s high time he took a long walk off a short pier, if you get my meaning (I WANT YOU TO KILL HIM). See, A. O. J. Form knows that everybody, and I mean everybody, needs a job, so he’s taken it upon himself to run interference on all these people by charging a fee whenever you want to submit a resume or cover letter to a company via the internet. What kind of fee, you ask? The worst kind. The kind you pay for in units of boredom, frustration, despair, anger, impatience, and contempt, thanks to hours, and I mean hours, of repetitive data entry. The worst part is, A. O. J. Form has set up operations at every major company in the world, but get this: every form is slightly different, so you have to start from scratch every time you apply. Also, A. O. J. Form deliberately uses technologies that are 10+ years old, because he knows the more cumbersome the interface, the less applications the companies he’s running protection for will have to deal with. Oh, sure, he claims he’s able to export your personal information from an uploaded resume, but he usually only gets around to extracting your first and last name, and for some reason it appears in ALL CAPS. How convenient! As you can see, Jobfather, I have a personal vendetta against this guy, and I would really appreciate it if you could take care of him, if you get my meaning (KILL HIM, KILL THIS GUY, MAKE HIM DEAD). In exchange for your services, I will agree to take a soul-crushing job when you come to me one day, out of the blue, and make me an offer I can’t refuse.