The Satanic Voicemails
by Will Bailey
Automated hell.
Call me. After listening to phone lady, or, as I like to call her, Voicemail Satan, drone on for five minutes about how to leave a voicemail, this is pretty much all I can think of to say. What the heck did she mean by “Leave a Callback Number?” Isn’t that the whole point of a voicemail? Has anyone ever actually opted to leave a callback number? Bueller? Because, really, nothing says “Please call me back” like a digital recording of your telephone number. My favorite voicemail head-scratcher is the “Voicemail Not Set Up” nonsense. Not only should this not be possible (voicemail is, by default, automated), but Voicemail Satan actually mocks the person you are trying to contact. “I’m sorry, but the person you called is a dumb-dumb who couldn’t program a VCR clock, let alone something as rudimentary as voicemail. Maybe you should get some smarter friends. Goodbye.” Of course, if you do happen to be a MENSA genius and manage to get your voicemail up and running, Voicemail Satan casts a magical spell that makes your inbox shrink, and then calmly tells anyone who tries to call you that your “Inbox is Full.” Naughty Voicemail Satan! Bad! The beauty of all this chicanery is that after jumping through the nine circles of Voicemail Hell to let you know we are out of toothpaste, you will probably just call me back without ever listening to the message. Damn, you Voicemail Satan! Oh, wait, you’re already damned. Either way, I’m sick of your devilish ways.
I have one friend whose voicemail Satan asks if I want to send her a fax. It’s a cell phone! I’m calling on a phone! How in holy hell is that supposed to work!? Even if I were operating a fax machine and entered her number, how is the fax machine angel (see what I did there?) going to know to press #? Malarkey, I say. Or the Devil at work. Either way.
I bet if you chose the fax option, you would wake up in a pod and get rescued by Morpheus and Trinity in a space ship.
Perhaps this Satan is really Lilith –
Lilith, Mother of Demons, appears throughout mythology and religions across the globe. Although called by different names, she has existed in some form since, by some accounts, as early as 3000 BC.
She was also Dr. Fraiser Crane’s ex-wife.
She needs to be exorcised from your phone – may I suggest submerging your phone in Kosher salt, throwing some over your shoulder and walking away backwards?
I only have that 1/2 sodium salt mix stuff. Better for your heart, I’m told.
first, I’m willing to wager that you have verizon. second, what’s worse is trying to listen to your voicemails so you can promptly delete them because realistically the only voicemails you get now are either pocket dials or somebody hanging up as soon as it gets to voice mail because at this point they’d rather send a new txt msg like their original instincts told them to. All in all, to make this process more excruciating, my phone has decided that every time i listen to a voice mail & delete it, as soon as i hang up it’ll notify me again of a new voicemail (ringer & all) to which i once again have to listen to voicemail satanress only to confirm that the voicemail i already heard was deleted.
she likes to play games with your soul
AT&T, but, I assure you, it’s just as terrible. You make some excellent points, sir!