The Tipping News
by Will Bailey
Privacy please.
Here’s a tip. No, really, I’m tipping you, as in “here’s four crumpled dollars for your trouble.” Granted, I don’t know why I’m tipping you, but I’ve become so used to the bizarre custom that now if anyone so much as looks at me I shove cash into their hand. I guess it all started when Wife and I stayed in a fancy hotel during a pit stop on our cross country road trip. Sure, the hotel was nice, but dealing with the constant stress of knowing who, when, and what to tip was almost too much to bear (this is not a turn of phrase – we are traveling with a pet bear and, like me, he was very confused by all the tipping). Based on my most recent experience dealing with hotel staff, here are the kinds of services expected to fetch a cash tip: opening doors, wearing a fez, ringing tiny bells, lifting lids, smiling, maintaining eye contact, pressing buttons, and cleaning rooms destroyed by cranky pet bears. Indeed, the art of tipping is so subtle and nuanced that I stopped keeping track and just started handing money to people in the hallway. I’m pretty sure I tipped a baby. I may have even tucked a dollar bill into the soil of a potted plant in the lobby. One thing’s for certain: this insanity must come to an end! Can’t we stop tipping people in the service industry altogether and instead pay them larger salaries? That would be a good idea, right? Oh, you’re agreeing with me. Here’s another tip.
Idea for a Fosters commercial about tipping:
A taxi slows to a halt on a dusty road. The driver gets out and rushes around the car to open the door for his passenger. The driver bows his head submissively as an enormous man steps out of the cab. The driver blinks in the sun as he stares up at the passenger, holding his hand out for a tip. The passenger takes two steps to his right and knocks over a cow with one hand.
Voice Over (Australian accent): “Big Tippah”
The passenger struggles to pick up the cow as the taxi drives away.
Voice Over: “Fostah’s. Australian for beer”
Does Fosters also make peyote? Because that might be a better fit for this concept.
I’ll look into that. Right after I look into this very colorful abyss for a few days.
We don’t tip in Australia, I will however, tip a Taxi driver or a waiter for exceptional service. I visited America not long ago and tipping everyone takes a little getting used to. The hardest part is finding the change!
Australia sounds like my kind of place!
I feel your pain Mr Bails. I have only been to America once, for three weeks, but I just about fell over when I was told I had to tip the barman for EVERY DRINK he poured me. Isn’t that his JOB??? I wish every time I’ve worked behind a bar I’d been given a dollar for every single drink I made. On the other side of the coin, it is really nice as a waitress when a large group leaves you a big tip for your extra effort in keeping them happy. But in Australia you tip because you want to, not because you have to, and I prefer it that way.
Mr. Bails is my new favorite nickname.
How about a little cheese with that whine? Give me a break – we traveled from the East Coast (CT) to the West (San Diego) in a pick-up trucK with a camper, no hay bail, but husband, two young children, husband’s best goombah and a Siberian Husky who found it necessary to shed profusely and take a potty break in the camper – only once, thankfully.
Hotel, motel or a Mongolian Yurt would have been a luxury on this six day odyssey where one KOA campground loomed from every interstate.
I know, some of you hard-core tent campers will one up us, go for it.
May I suggest the Kasseri with cognac flambe? It pairs beautifully with any gripe or complaint. Bon appetit.